i do not heart mondays

i want to be happy. i'm talking about real happy. not the kind of happy that gets wiped away with a 9am irate customer calling to scream at me about a technician's mistake. not the kind that hangs on whether or not i have money in my bank account or a boy on my arm. the kind that washes over you and changes your reaction to everything. sometimes i have such a clear grasp on how to achieve it and then ... bam! i hang up the phone with the irate customer, check my bank account balance, or realize i'm in no place to be in a relationship right now. but i think that's the problem. it isn't something you achieve, you don't search for it. that kind of joy comes from being obedient to the Lord's call on your life - something i have trouble with. i like to pretend i don't hear it. like right now, swimming around in my head are 3 things i KNOW he's telling me to do or that i will do eventually. and while i've acknowledged receipt, i have yet to reply. wow - that's the first time i've ever said that. i am literally avoiding making eye contact with God because i don't like his plan quite as much as mine. but then when i sit back and look around at what my life is, at this exact moment, i realize his plan has GOT to be better than this. because the way i'm living right now is mediocre - i am living vanilla ice cream. blahh. i hate stinkin vanilla ice cream. it's not good, it's not bad. it just is. and i don't want to just be anymore. that's the easier part, saying i don't want to. the hard part is the stuff i'll have to give up. one is a love i didn't think i'd ever be asked to let go of again. and while He's said He'd bring it back, it's hard to do it. imagine your most favorite thing in the world. now imagine you throw it in the ocean with the ocean's promise that it'll bring it back to you one day. it SUCKS, i can tell you that right now. another is security, in money. i've worked hard my whole life to get to a place where money just isn't a concern. where i don't have to ever check my bank account and see a 2 digit number staring back at me. and yet, He's asking me to go to a school that only offers classes during the day which directly conflicts with my work schedule. on top of that, i've got a mortgage. it's not an option for me to move back home or not pay. my job won't allow me to miss time for school and the school doesn't offer the correctly timed classes. without the school, I'm not doing what God wants and without the job, i'll have no income.

also on my mind:mediocre relationships. they're everywhere (especially this time of year because everyone decides they need to be married). for instance, there's one couple i'm around sometimes and they're married. the only thing he ever says about her is "look how pretty she is" or "this is my beautiful wife". he never talks about what a wonderful heart she has or how she's very successful. he just says she's pretty. a lot. and she doesn't notice. ... yes, physical attraction is important in a marriage. the bible even promotes it. but really, if that's all you have to say about her then i think you're missing the bigger picture. you're robbing yourself and her of some very important pieces of a deep and meaningful relationship. who knows, maybe behind closed doors it's different. maybe when they're home alone, he tells her he thinks she's a great christian woman and that he's proud of more than just how she does her make up. but wouldn't you want other people to hear that, too?? as a woman, i would. i'd rather my husband love my heart first and my face last. because while it's important, it will definitely fade. sooner than i think, probably.

i'd thought about writing about a few others, but i'll spare you. it would just end up sounding like a bitter, vague rant ultimately ending in me being jealous of the fact that these people are married yet appreciate what all that includes very little. anywho - that's all i've got for now.

<3