sleepless in ... columbia??

i can't sleep. this isn't a new development - i've been a night owl for as long as i can remember. my brain functions better when it's raining or dark outside. how depressing. even my subconscious is a melodramatic 13 year old girl. sighhhh. no, my biggest problem with not being able to sleep at this exact moment is that it's interfering with my actual grown up life. also, did you know that they sell entire boxes of peaches and cream oatmeal now?? as in ... you don't have to buy the cream variety packs just to get the peach and strawberry ones. i tell you what, those guys at quaker are marketing geniuses. but their old strategy may've been best. package the awesome flavors with the crappy ones so you HAVE to buy them all. but what if i'm ALLERGIC to blueberries ... maybe the people at quaker like to torment people with food allergies. i love food and if i had an allergy to anything edible, i'd weep uncontrollably. the fair is coming in a few weeks. i can practically smell the elephant ears, corn dogs, and, subsequently, vomit. last year someone died at the fair. i think that's the saddest thing i've ever heard. the only thing worse than that would be dying at disney world. or being smothered by kittens. speaking of kittens, i got a cat a couple weeks ago. i say he's a cat but in actuality the probability that he is made entirely of evil and molten lava is quite good. in fact, he might be the most evil thing i've ever seen. he's small and fluffy and entirely white with big green eyes. adorable, right? WRONG. that's how he tricks you, though. he lures you in with his big eyes and then he rips your flesh. i love animals but this one ... he's the damien of the cat world. right this moment he's curled up on my shoulder, sleeping and purring. i'm scared to move because if he wakes up ... he's so close to my face ... i could lose an eye and i HIGHLY doubt i'd have the fashion sense to pull off an eye patch. at least not on a regular basis. although, i could get a glass eye like that guy in the 3 ninjas movie. or was it the karate kid? great, it's so late i'm confusing the plots of 2 completely different movies. i'm going to bed. (hopefully)

and this has been an example of what goes on in my mind, moment by moment. someone just shoot me now. :) i'm kidding, obviously.

or am i ...

mk, gnite

i do not heart mondays

i want to be happy. i'm talking about real happy. not the kind of happy that gets wiped away with a 9am irate customer calling to scream at me about a technician's mistake. not the kind that hangs on whether or not i have money in my bank account or a boy on my arm. the kind that washes over you and changes your reaction to everything. sometimes i have such a clear grasp on how to achieve it and then ... bam! i hang up the phone with the irate customer, check my bank account balance, or realize i'm in no place to be in a relationship right now. but i think that's the problem. it isn't something you achieve, you don't search for it. that kind of joy comes from being obedient to the Lord's call on your life - something i have trouble with. i like to pretend i don't hear it. like right now, swimming around in my head are 3 things i KNOW he's telling me to do or that i will do eventually. and while i've acknowledged receipt, i have yet to reply. wow - that's the first time i've ever said that. i am literally avoiding making eye contact with God because i don't like his plan quite as much as mine. but then when i sit back and look around at what my life is, at this exact moment, i realize his plan has GOT to be better than this. because the way i'm living right now is mediocre - i am living vanilla ice cream. blahh. i hate stinkin vanilla ice cream. it's not good, it's not bad. it just is. and i don't want to just be anymore. that's the easier part, saying i don't want to. the hard part is the stuff i'll have to give up. one is a love i didn't think i'd ever be asked to let go of again. and while He's said He'd bring it back, it's hard to do it. imagine your most favorite thing in the world. now imagine you throw it in the ocean with the ocean's promise that it'll bring it back to you one day. it SUCKS, i can tell you that right now. another is security, in money. i've worked hard my whole life to get to a place where money just isn't a concern. where i don't have to ever check my bank account and see a 2 digit number staring back at me. and yet, He's asking me to go to a school that only offers classes during the day which directly conflicts with my work schedule. on top of that, i've got a mortgage. it's not an option for me to move back home or not pay. my job won't allow me to miss time for school and the school doesn't offer the correctly timed classes. without the school, I'm not doing what God wants and without the job, i'll have no income.

also on my mind:mediocre relationships. they're everywhere (especially this time of year because everyone decides they need to be married). for instance, there's one couple i'm around sometimes and they're married. the only thing he ever says about her is "look how pretty she is" or "this is my beautiful wife". he never talks about what a wonderful heart she has or how she's very successful. he just says she's pretty. a lot. and she doesn't notice. ... yes, physical attraction is important in a marriage. the bible even promotes it. but really, if that's all you have to say about her then i think you're missing the bigger picture. you're robbing yourself and her of some very important pieces of a deep and meaningful relationship. who knows, maybe behind closed doors it's different. maybe when they're home alone, he tells her he thinks she's a great christian woman and that he's proud of more than just how she does her make up. but wouldn't you want other people to hear that, too?? as a woman, i would. i'd rather my husband love my heart first and my face last. because while it's important, it will definitely fade. sooner than i think, probably.

i'd thought about writing about a few others, but i'll spare you. it would just end up sounding like a bitter, vague rant ultimately ending in me being jealous of the fact that these people are married yet appreciate what all that includes very little. anywho - that's all i've got for now.

<3

posts from myspace ....

... i decided i couldn't let them die with my account. so they're coming here to live. enjoy :D

Friday, April 17, 2009

trouble since the day i got here ...

Current mood: blessed

1 Peter 4:12-13

i feel like Somalia. there's a war inside me and i struggle with it daily to not be what i was before i met Christ. its hard and im just a kid, christianity-wise. that'd be like asking a 2 year old to enlist in the army. sometimes i feel really helpless and hopeless. its those moments of deep dissatisfaction and complete confusion when God steps in, bringing peace, love, and compassion. He restores what i thought i'd messed up forever. if i WAS a 2 year old enlisted in the army, He'd be my Stryker.

i always say i don't hate anybody but that's not true. i hate the devil. i hate the whisper that is him telling me "act first, think about consequences later." and i hate my stupid brain for saying " durrr ok ". the pathetic part is, i can't even blame the devil for my hurt because God gave me free will. i'm allowed to choose the path i want to take. its frustrating to know i've been given every answer to every question i could ever have and instead of seeking truth, i take the easy route and just do whatever i want to do. honestly - i was going to give you a list of things i've lost because of my carelessness when it comes to seeking Christ's truth but as i started it, i realized it would be way too long for this itty bitty blog. just know that at the top of that list would be friends, the man i want to spend forever with, and most notably my sanity.

God is every good thing we've ever had. He is girlscout cookies, lazy days, fluffy blankets, a good song, and grandparents. He's the best friend I've ever had and He's my super hero. I'm praying to have a softer heart because for whatever reason - i've blocked a LOT of His wisdom out. the lyrics to this Brandon Heath song comfort me. it feels good to know i'm not the only hard headed person trying to be a light for Christ.

Wait and See - Brandon Heath

i was born in tennessee, late july humidity. doctor said i was lucky to be alive

i've been trouble since the day i got here, trouble til the day i disappear. that'll be the day i finally get it right.

[[chorus]] there is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans he's made for me. i'll have to wait and see. he's not finished with me yet.

never really was that good in school. i talked too much, broke the rules. teachers thought i was a hopeless fool.

i don't know how but i made it through. its one of those things that you got to do. i always had a knack for telling the truth.

[[chorus]]

still wondering why i'm here, still wrestling with my fear but, oh, he's up to something. and the farther on i go, i've seen enough to know that i'm not here for nothing. he's up to something.

so now's my time to be a man, follow my heart as far as i can. no telling where i'm ending up tonight.

i never slow down or so it seems. singing my heart is one of my dreams. all i got to do is hold on tight.

[[chorus]]

i love you, whoever you are that reads this stuff. and God loves you too. if you pray, would you pray for my stubbornness? and maybe just a quick little prayer for that boy ... that God would lead his heart to mine ...

Friday, February 13, 2009

marginally relevant

Current mood:reminiscent

things i miss :

*when kevin sings spice girls ... or the spice girls in general. im not sure.

*kristen and her questionable influence on my life. :)

*Pine <3

*riding my bike (and by "bike" i mean "huffy")

*power rangers, dr quinn medicine woman, stick stickly (dont act like you dont remember), david the gnome, kablam!, salute your shorts, the secret world of alex mack

*slap bracelets

*listening to O.L.P. with my feet out the window

*savannah's green mustang

*american girl dolls

*sleeping in class

*j hughes singing disney songs in the car

*friarsgate 76

*my easy bake oven

*hide and seek in the dark

*cat and her simple plan addiction

*delta erasing my mario brothers game

*waaaaasssssuuuuppp commercials

*joe-copper river-cheesecake ( i know that sounds like 3 things but really they all go hand in hand)

*nano babies

*Right Said Fred

*fat reducing grilling machines named after boxers ...

*brandon walsh vs. dylan mckay (obviously brandon dominates dylan with ease)

*when EVERYBODY had aol

what do you miss??

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

resofrigginlutions

Current mood: vibrant

[[the promises i'm making to myself]]

* read my Bible EVERY DAY for the entire year, following my Bible reading guide.

* excercise 3-4 times a week. this will hopefully lead to me losing my muffin top ... :)

* stop cussing .gasp. i don't even know why i do it ... i blame it on the questionable television programs i watched as a kid. and violent video games. and crack.

[[the promises i'm making to other people]]

* steven - less nagging, more kisses

* tanna - we'll see each other more than 5 times ... because i won't be ridiculous in 2009.

:) have a happy new year, everyone!

Friday, August 01, 2008

sometimes i dream about princes ...

Current mood: breezy

Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

i had the most bizarre dream about prince william last night ... significant? probably not but it was super vivid and i barely EVER remember my dreams ...

my grandma (who was an extremely elderly audrey hepburn) was apparently very good family friends with the queen of england. they were having royal family photos done that day and my grandma and the freaking queen decided since our families were so close, we needed to have our pictures taken together. we arrive at the photography studio and my cousin, lacey, points over at a guy in a suit standing in the corner staring at us and goes "brittany - LOOK! do you know who that is?" ... it was prince william. for whatever reason i was VERY angry with him so i replied "ohh great. im so excited" (super sarcastic like) and rolled my eyes. the photographer walks in immediately after that and he positions us on the tragically ugly carpeted ampitheater steps where our picture is going to be taken. he seats me 2 people away from william (i'm allowed to call him that because we're family friends, duhh). the whole time all of this jostling to get people organized is going on william keeps trying to ask for a date, etc. it was disgusting (apparently). so the pictures are taken, everyone dispurses to go home. i walk outside, go to unlock my red SMART CAR -wtf??- and just as im going to close my door william runs up and grabs it so i cant shut it. he says "you've been avoiding me all afternoon and all i wanted to do was ask you on a date. you're so irish!" so i jump out of the car and back him up against the wall of the photography building and start waving my finger in his face and yelling "this is why ill never go on a date with you! you assume the whole world belongs to you, you're not even king! you're just a spoiled aristobrat (yes i called the future king of england an aristobrat ... ) who has no concept of what a TRUE gentleman and prince charming would do to get a date." so he grabs my hand and starts power walking, almost jogging, with me down the street towards the park. we get to the park and there are doves and candles and horses and daisies and everything that could ever make a girl's knees go weak and instead of being appreciative i say "HAH! typical. go with all of the old cliches! you're so played out." and i walk back to my car. skip to a few hours later - im at home getting ready to get in bed and all of a sudden i hear a radio blasting. i go to my window and william is standing at my window all Say Anything style holding a big boom box over his head. i scream "STRIKE TWO!!" and slam my window closed. by this point i was so angry i couldn't sleep so i changed into running clothes and go for a jog. as im jogging down the street he jogs up next to me and i stop, look over at him and instead of it being william its steven. so i hug him and start crying and saying out glad i am to see him, blah Blah BLAH and that was the end of the dream.

ok so i have several points to make -

1) my grandmother isnt comparable to audrey hepburn in any way - looks, voice, attitude/personality ... absurd!

2) everyone who knows anything about me knows i LOVE prince harry. so why am i dreaming about his brother?! how adulterous!!

3) who in their right mind would turn down a date with a prince?! even in my dreams im a bitch ... GAH!

4) i hate jogging ... and smart cars ... and having my picture taken

5) i was totally unaware that the prince had such a problem with irish people - i mean he threw that "you're so irish" comment out there as if it were the same as calling me pretentious!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

_i said what about breakfast at tiffany’s_

Current mood: thankful

Category: Romance and Relationships

The Notebook

Noah : Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing

Allie : so what?

Noah : So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

Juno

Juno : He is the cheese to my macaroni. And, I know that people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but... I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

Runaway Bride

Ike : I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.

The Wedding Date

Nick : I think I'd miss you even if I never met you

The Holiday

Iris : I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Breakfast At Tiffany's

Holly : The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of.

P.S I Love You

Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you

Friday, June 13, 2008

what the blog are you blogging about, sonic the hedgeblog?!

Current mood: thankful

Sometimes in life you hear things that really speak to you ... and then sometimes you hear things that make you giggle. last night i got both - wanted to jot them down :) have a lovely day!

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are lead to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun, like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood, who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good. It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we partso much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend. Like a ship blown from it's mooring, by a wind off the sea, like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood, who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good. And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you've blamed me for. But then I guess we know there's blame to share, and none of it seems to matter anymore. - For Good (From the Broadway Show "Wicked")

Textual Song - Written by Jordan "Wake the Dead" Belotti and Me ... via text message :)

Jordan - I love you more than the rocks love the dirt and more than the flowers love the rain

Me - i love you more than the birds love the air and more than the dolphins love the sea

Jordan - i love you more than the beatles love the plants and more than bears love honey. i wouldn't trade you in for a whole big barrel of monkeys!

Me - i love you more than spiders love corners and more than clowns love laughs. I wouldn't give you up even if someone called me an ass.

Monday, June 02, 2008

"mr. right's coming but he's in Africa ... and he's walking" - Oprah

Current mood: blessed

i realize i lead a pretty blessed life. i love God and He provides me with such an abundance of everything, everyday. its amazing! i've got an awesome family and while it hasnt always been easy to LIKE them - they always love me and i love them. my friends are remarkable. i'm blown away daily by how freaking AWESOME they are! i have a great job that most 21 year olds couldnt dream of. money, a house, food, air, water ... everything i need, right? all of that said ...

what is it with guys nowadays?? i mean really - how many times can you hear "do i know you?" or "you have (a) beautiful smile/eyes/hair/feet/whatever" before you chuck a ninja star into somebody's forehead?! not only is this unoriginal and cheap - its insulting! im betting that whatever girl you're saying this to spent time getting ready and planning where she was going to spend her evening and i just bet that plan didnt include some overbearing, unresourceful pea brain "spittin game", as its so cleverly called. my question to guys that use the above stated lines - do they work for you? and if so, is that really considered a victory? (congratulations! you've found a girl who doesnt think intelligence is a factor!)

moving on - while the above stated guys are the majority option for us single ladies, there are the occasional gentleman-like ones that seem worthwhile. if they're not taken, gay, unattractive, undercover sleezebags, living too far away, clingy/needy, unmotivated, or stupid then you've found yourself a winner! unfortunately, once you get finished with that checklist, the only man left standing will most likely be the imaginary one you created that doesn't have a car or wallet (not that either of these are deal breakers but if he's going to be invisible, they would certainly be a plus).

its no help, either, that there are the select few ladies out there that will fall for those oh-so-captivating pick up lines and completely disrespect themselves for the sake of getting chatted up by a "hot dude". i wish we had a broadcasting system that went directly into women's brains and we could, daily, send out a reminder that "Today we will not be easy, dumb, gullible, or fake. We will remember that these actions are encouraging boys to slowly devolve into cavemen again and hairy, unbathed, club carrying men are worse than what we've currently got - though not by much."

If you're anything like me, you're probably wishing they had a dating service that was totally fool-proof and this headache could be done with. unfortunately there isnt so instead i found some quotes that'll make you laugh until you forget that boys exist. and i guess if carrie and big can make it, there's GOTTA be a match out there somewhere ...

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

youtube aggrevation...

Current mood: disappointed

its not that i'm BEHIND on all this chris crocker stuff cause yeh, when his clip was on jimmy kimmel i youtube'ed it and watched it but i never thought anything else about it. well, last night i was WAY bored and COULDNT sleep. so i decided i would watch that video again - just for a laugh. i noticed over 16 MILLION people had viewed it. SIXTEEN MILLION!! ... that's a HUGE number... That means that 5% of America's population watched this kid rant and rave about a false idol. It made me wonder what else he was saying on his little youtube channel that could have so many people watching these videos. i'm not gonna lie i watched all 42. a majority of them were just him acting dumb the way egocentric people do when they're video taping themselves. the thing that really got me , though, was some of his videos brought up valid problems. for example, his most recent soapbox was about gay hate on youtube. he was yelling about how tv shows wont play videos that have anything to do with THAT topic but they'll exploit him as a "crazed" britney fan. another one talked about how being normal was a social construct and being crazy was the only thing that was real. and one other one talked about the aids epidemic. all of these are such great topics to be able to bring to mass audiences' attention. the thing that I'M having a hard time dealing with is this - HE HAS ACCESS TO SIXTEEN MILLION VIEWERS. that's MUCH more than the average television program yet he's spending his time talking about how much he doesn't like hot dogs and how he takes honeydew baths ... he continually victimizes himself! he's discriminated against because he's gay, he's angry because women are hitting on "his men", blah Blah BLAH! its hard to watch someone that HAS THE ABILITY to spread KNOWLEDGE and all he does is spread HATE. it makes me angry that someone who feels victimized so often wouldn't take the opportunity to talk about those important topics MORE. he IS the media. why isn't he taking advantage of it?